Which way is home?

Long plane rides are great because of what you can’t do: you can’t read cuz the light is usually pointed at the wrong angle, you can’t sleep cuz the person next to you has smelly feet, you try to watch the movies but either the headphones don’t work right or you’re at such a weird angle that you end up seeing the back of the head of the guy in front better than the movie screen. So you just relax and think about stuff . . . on this flight, I thought about my new path in med/biz school and where it will take me.

I find that when it comes to defining my place in society, I am constantly striving for balance: between being a physician and a businessman, helping the less fortunate or selling out an making $$$, being American or Chinese or Japanese or Latin (yes, I’ve been mistaken for Chinese Peruvian). Despite all the career paths and all the social roleplaying I’ve tried or am trying, I have yet to find one that really suits me. Instead, I either try to do multipe things at once or more recently try to combine various disciplines together. Based on my track record to date, as a doctor, I will keep trying to make the untenable tenable: practice medicine while running a business on the side, help the impoverished while making enough money to buy lots of stuff, focus on my local community while being involved in international projects . . . I will try to do it all, and probably end up failing to do any one thing well.

The more I think about why I want to combine all of these things in the first place, the more I start to think about what really drives me. What I have been able to come up with so far is that most of all, I am afraid of “missing the bus”. I fear missing out on opportunities. Whether it is a new real estate investment, job opportunity or even a social activity, I always find myself wishing or hoping that I can contribute, become a useful contributor or be recognized as such. That’s why it is hard for me to make decisions without weighing all the possibilities. Its not that I want to be thorough but rather that I do not want to miss a good opportunity and come to regret it later. So I choose what I decide is the “correct balance” of my own interests, familial acceptability, social prestige and will still allow me the flexibility to not miss out on other opportunities.

When I think about it this way, my life thus far sounds petty and meaningless. It has worked for me thus far because I have been fortunate enough to be coddled by my parents, various mentors and employers I have met along the way. Through it all, I have yet to make a really tough decision that goes against everyone’s interests and my own but a one which defines who I am. For example, in my business school application essay, I describe my vision of a non-governmental medical clinic that provides both health care and financial services to the poor. Its interesting now as I train to become a doctor but doing something like this would go against everything I’ve been raised to believe about financial stability, providing for my family not to mention giving up the comforts of my life to date.

Is helping the underserved truly a vocation or is it just a passing interest? Would I really do it if the stakes became high and I could no longer balance the other forces in my life? When will I begin to choose my own path instead of letting the “right path” choose me?