Nai Nai

My grandmother passed away today at 9/15 12:15am Shanghai time (12:15pm 9/14 EST). After hearing the voice mail in which my dad spoke in a soft, calm voice about the time she passed away and how he was going to Shanghai, I came home and immediately called my family. Those I could reach, my dad, uncle and brother all had the same reaction “yea . . . I heard she passed away. . . ” and proceed to talk about logistics for traveling to Shanghai for the funeral. I made sure to ask the same question each time “how are you doing?” which did not really ever yield
the answer I was looking for. I wanted to know how they felt inside, if they were hurt, sad, relieved, missed her. It was the same when my grandpa passed away. I saw my dad cry for the first time ever but it was when I passed his room on the way to the bathroom that morning and he quickly wiped the tears away and prepared himself for that day of funeral arrangements.

Its strange that I am entering a profession in which we value empathy, compassion, emotional expression and yet I come from a family that does not express in words what we feel inside. Instead, I think my family is more comfortable with actions, doing something to show non-verbally that we care. The same way my brother and parents flew in from California and Taiwan to help me move into and start medical school. The same way, we all met in Shanghai earlier this year to send off my grandfather. While part of me wishes we could express ourselves verbally the way I hear many of my fellow mainstream American families do it “I love you, I miss you, etc”, I know it is just not the way my family does things. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to verbalize some things a bit more.

One thing I want to do is to record for myself some of Grandma’s stories so that I can know her better and that way she can be a living memory for me to carry with me in my life. I realize that although Grandma had the good fortune of living to age 91, we did not have the benefit of enjoying her stories or sharing thoughts and experiences with her in the final years. I personally don’t recall much interaction with her at all. The one thing I do remember was when Yeh Yeh and her lived with us in Arcadia and she found out I was taking piano lessons but wasn’t practicing. I think that really got the “teacher” in her fired up and she took it upon herself to force me to practice. Anyway, I remember her sitting with me in front of the piano watching me play to make sure I practiced. I can still remember her stern gaze, the disciplinarian tone of her voice. “Bao Bao, practice!” she would say. Unfortunately, this was the only clear memory I have of her before she became sick. On the other hand, it might be because of her that I am able to force myself to study in med school! Thanks Grandma! :)