Thank you Yeh Yeh Nai Nai

Good evening! Thank you all for coming. My name is Eugene Hsu and I am a second year MD/MBA student in the DMS/Tuck joint degree program. When I was asked to speak at this event several weeks ago, my grandmother had just passed away after a decade of progressive mental deterioration from a massive stroke that paralyzed one side of her body. Today marks the fifth week since her passing which in Chinese culture is a day for remembrance by the sons, daughters and grandsons of the departed. In this spirit, I would like to share a story with you about my family and what your contribution means to us.

When I was growing up, I often wondered why my parents never really expressed their feelings and emotions the same way other parents did. When I would do well on a test or win a spelling bee, they might cook a nice dinner or ruffle my hair a little but they never told me the words “I’m proud of you”. Years later as an adult, I watched my father care for my grandparents as they became ill. My father would take days off work to fix the toilet at their house, my mother would cook grandpa’s favorite crab dish for Chinese New Year’s, and both of my parents would work extra hours to afford my grandparent’s medical care. And not once did I ever hear my parents utter the words “I love you mom and dad” nor my grandparents say the words “I’m proud of you”. All my life, my family has taught me that emotions like love, respect and pride are spoken loudest through self-sacrifice and service to one’s elders.

My grandparents’ lives represent the finest example of self-sacrifice. In the 1940s, they escaped the Japanese invasion of China, leaving their elders behind to give their children a better life in Taiwan. My grandparent’s spent their best years raising three sons and working to pay for their college educations. After the youngest son, my father, finished a graduate engineering program in the United States and married my mother, my grandfather and grandmother officially retired, planning to return to China to reconnect with family and to travel to all of the places they had wanted to go before the war. This is when my grandmother had her first stroke. She had had heart disease for many years that was left untreated because she did not have access to health insurance and did not want to burden the family with her illness. Ironically, after her stroke and paralysis, my grandfather would spend his retirement funds paying for her medical bills and then the remaining 10 years of his life caring for her day and night. Last year, as he was dying from heart failure, I was able to visit grandpa and tell him that I had started my first year at Dartmouth Medical School. He responded by saying, “finally, our family will produce a doctor”.

I realize how fortunate I am to be here tonight, the result of many sacrifices that my grandparents and parents have made for my life and education. With my MD/MBA, I hope to one day bridge the chasm that exists today between the business and clinical medicine and provide not only the best medical care for patients but the most affordable and accessible care. In doing so, I understand that while I may never fully repay the sacrifices of those that have come before me, I will forever be inspired by their example when I serve others as a physician and as a person.

I wanted to share my story with you because I want you to know how much your contributions mean to my family, my classmates and me. For us, the scholarships you provide represent pride in this institution, respect for the profession of medicine and love for the patients we care for in the future. Yours is the most significant of contributions to the training of future doctors and your generosity speaks loudest of all. Thank you.

Nai Nai

My grandmother passed away today at 9/15 12:15am Shanghai time (12:15pm 9/14 EST). After hearing the voice mail in which my dad spoke in a soft, calm voice about the time she passed away and how he was going to Shanghai, I came home and immediately called my family. Those I could reach, my dad, uncle and brother all had the same reaction “yea . . . I heard she passed away. . . ” and proceed to talk about logistics for traveling to Shanghai for the funeral. I made sure to ask the same question each time “how are you doing?” which did not really ever yield
the answer I was looking for. I wanted to know how they felt inside, if they were hurt, sad, relieved, missed her. It was the same when my grandpa passed away. I saw my dad cry for the first time ever but it was when I passed his room on the way to the bathroom that morning and he quickly wiped the tears away and prepared himself for that day of funeral arrangements.

Its strange that I am entering a profession in which we value empathy, compassion, emotional expression and yet I come from a family that does not express in words what we feel inside. Instead, I think my family is more comfortable with actions, doing something to show non-verbally that we care. The same way my brother and parents flew in from California and Taiwan to help me move into and start medical school. The same way, we all met in Shanghai earlier this year to send off my grandfather. While part of me wishes we could express ourselves verbally the way I hear many of my fellow mainstream American families do it “I love you, I miss you, etc”, I know it is just not the way my family does things. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to verbalize some things a bit more.

One thing I want to do is to record for myself some of Grandma’s stories so that I can know her better and that way she can be a living memory for me to carry with me in my life. I realize that although Grandma had the good fortune of living to age 91, we did not have the benefit of enjoying her stories or sharing thoughts and experiences with her in the final years. I personally don’t recall much interaction with her at all. The one thing I do remember was when Yeh Yeh and her lived with us in Arcadia and she found out I was taking piano lessons but wasn’t practicing. I think that really got the “teacher” in her fired up and she took it upon herself to force me to practice. Anyway, I remember her sitting with me in front of the piano watching me play to make sure I practiced. I can still remember her stern gaze, the disciplinarian tone of her voice. “Bao Bao, practice!” she would say. Unfortunately, this was the only clear memory I have of her before she became sick. On the other hand, it might be because of her that I am able to force myself to study in med school! Thanks Grandma! :)

Pics from summer

Chris and Pauling’s wedding!

Hong Kong = too many Chinese people

But the food is pretty good – try the roasted goose, its DE-lish!

And sunset is pretty nice – especially on the cruise boats

Ray’s Wedding in Oregon with Janet and Caesar

Bride and groom, awwwwww

Eugene with his new friends at J&J!

Dave and Eugene go to White Castle!

We are excited to eat the burgers Harold and Kumar ate

That is until the shit hits our stomachs . . . uuuuuugggghhhhh

Back at Dartmouth, Back in Boston!
There must be something wrong with my camera, my stomach is NOT that big!

Everyone wants to be near Family

Today I found a piece of paper on which I scribbled one of my last conversations with Grandpa last year That day, I asked him about his father and mother (my great grandfather and grandmother). He described great grandpa as “yi dian yi hua” meaning that he was straightforward and that he was “hen zhe xing” meaning that he had a warm heart referring to his work for the YMCA (for which he actually traveled to the US). Great Grandma was more difficult to describe for Yeh Yeh. “I guess you could say she was very ‘lao shi’ Yeh Yeh finally said smiling out of the corners of his mouth. Then after a few minutes of silence, he let out a deep sigh and commented out of the blue that grandma “hen ke lian” (is very pitiful) referring to my grandmother’s paralysis.

I asked one final question that day, “Yeh Yeh, do you ever regret leaving great grandma and grandpa in China?” (Grandpa never saw his parents again after he left Shanghai for Taiwan). At this, yeh yeh chuckled and said to me “why would I have any regrets?” I’ve worked hard to put all of my children to college.

Yet I could not help but think to myself as I helped Yeh Yeh across the room through the doorway to the kitchen where we would share one of our last meals together, “did Yeh Yeh ever get lonely in the months and years between visits by my father or me eating by himself?”

I did a good job! :)

I finally gave my presentation today, the sum of probably over 150 hours of hard work, staying up late at night, going home in the afternoons for 2-3 hr naps and then waking up to stay up through the next working day . . . all to create a 30 min presentation on Asian investment opportunities for a roomful of 15 people, many whom I met for the first time.

It was well received! Not only did I get a round of applause but I had people coming up to me afterwards talking to me (a lowly intern) and telling me to keep in touch with them. It was fun!

I guess I am trying to capture between yawns just why this feels so good so that I can hopefully feel more of it. I guess its a combination of exceeding my own expectations, bringing out the best in myself and delivering. That last word means a lot to me these days because it takes some imagination to be able to “envision” a goal but to actually execute it and overcome ones fears along the way . . . that’s a different matter altogether.

The critical thing is that I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense that I did a good job in something I set my mind to. I didn’t need to do this in order to complete my job, it was totally my own initiative to ask for this research project, work as hard as I did and deliver the results at the end.

Of course, it helps that Dave and Ashish, both people I respect and admire (and am even intimidated by to some extent) complimented me as well as all of my mentors here supporting me along the way. Today I feel really fortunate to have met these wonderful people, proud to have done some hard work and surprised at myself in a good way that I was able to deliver the way I did. Best of all, this was REALLY FUN!!

At the Office on a Sunday night . . .

At least I’m getting paid to be here.

One thing I’ve realized this summer working and living by myself. I really miss being a kid. Yup, I look at the aspects of my character: I like people who mentor me, I like lounging around eating what I want, traveling where I want to, absorbing things, wide-eyed like a child. I don’t have a very long attention span at all. I like reading books and watching movies about a boy and his father, the good ones always make me cry . . . (btw, good book – Kite Runner, good movie – Together) yup, I am like the living embodiment of the Toys R Us line, “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a TRU kid . . .”

I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think this probably is the root of what makes me a good listener, good learner, polite, curious, always forward-looking. In fact, maybe that’s one of the reasons I like venture capital so much. We talk here at JNJ a lot about the “Future of Medicine” or future of healthcare where things like stem cells can cure diseases like diabetes or where we can prevent cavities by ADDING good oral bacteria to outcompete the bad. Just thinking about these things give me good bumps . . . like when I was a kid and used to imagine what it would be like to be like a comic book superhero

Anyway, enough reminiscing . . . I have a very “grown up” deadline coming up!

I love Summer!

I am seeing blue skies and clouds right now (literally since I am on a plane ride home). This summer internship at JJDC has turned into exactly what I wanted and more. A chance to see some exciting projects in JNJ and learn about how big organizations work. But the thing that has pleasantly surprised me is how much I have learned about myself and addressed what I view as fundamental weaknesses and fears. For example, I have always been afraid of being spontaneous, being “on the spot” like having to answer questions with people watching or giving a speech in front of people, cold calling people I don’t know, interjecting my own opinions without thinking, in a sense speaking from the heart in a situation which I cannot control. My boss Brian seems to be the opposite. He is up front, straightforward, and lives to “speak from the heart” and probably wouldn’t have it any other way. Brian has shown me how to take chances by being the only one in a roomful of experts to speak up, ask an “ignorant” question, be confident, speak from the heart. Its really changing my perspective starting from how I perceive my role as a “lowly” intern in the company. In some ways, I am empowered as an intern by the fact that I have no employment riding on my time here at JNJ this summer. I can say whatever I want to whomever I want and the worst that can happen is I get scolded and I go back to med school. So whereas I have been timid about cold calling a bunch of people I don’t know and don’t have introductions to for a project I am doing at work, now I am more like . . . what do I care? Call as many people as I can before I leave this place. And why not? Life is too short to waste spending time thinking about things and thinking about things only to get all prepared and not say them. Life is too short to shy away from something because its too scary or its too much work. After all, what have I got to lose?

So while I am in this “positive override” mode (to shamelessly plagiarize malcolm gladwell), what are the reminders I want to give myself for when I am not in such a good mood?
Well, to begin with, this summer I don’t want to waste a moment. Work really hard at JNJ, really do a good job on the research project I have been given, do not be afraid of cold calling or knocking down doors of people (even very “important” ones to get the information I need). As long as it is relevant and I have done my homework, I will be ready and they will appreciate my work. Or they can disregard it, who cares?
Second, enjoy New York. Go to shows, go to museums, go to parties, don’t waste a moment. Third, be good to my body, eat right, sleep right and exercise as much as I can.
I think if I keep to these goals, I will really be maximizing my summer.

What about med school? How do I optimize my second year?
Take advantage of the small tight-knit community at DMS. Shadow docs in as many fields as I have an interest in, get involved in events in the business school and college that I like and I am interested in, make an impact on the admissions committee (for instance by actively recruiting minority students and speaking my mind about candidates), do my best in courses but do not obsess about the last 1%, the last 30 minutes before a test, take care of my health.

This is who I want to be and if I can just do these simple things, I will be a happy person like I am today.
The happiest part of my day today is that I feel comfortable in my own skin!

Why med school?

Leaving Taipei to go back to the US tomorrow. Its been a relaxing two weeks, lots of lounging around, good food, shopping and family. Between the wedding I attended and seeing old friends and relatives, I’ve been answering the question a lot about the reason I decided on med school after five years out of school. The question itself seems a bit out of place given that the average age of the students in my class is about 24 with several classmates in their late twenties and early thirties. I even knew a fellow post-bacc student studying pre-med at SFSU who was in his 40s and applying to med school.

Most of the questioners have been my peers. We are an interesting bunch. My high school, Taipei American School, did not allow local Taiwanese citizens to apply. Only those with international citizenship and whose families could afford the $20,000/yr tuition could send their kids to TAS. So we grew up in the midst of privilege knowing full well that we were the kids that could have whatever we wanted to have, do whatever we wanted to do, be whoeever we wanted to be. The most indecisive people are those who are blessed (or spoiled) by an excess of choices. We grew up knowing that we could become CEOs, lawyers, doctors, professors, professional singers, actors and actresses, models. But there is a catch. The implicit desire of our parents who are not only the sponsors of our high priced educations, but also our “filial creditors” to whom we must repay our debt by establishing ourselves in a respectable profession, forming our own family, becoming financially stable, responsible parents. As our grandparents pass away, as our parents get older, start to consider retirement and reflect on their life achievements, the pressure for us to find a career, get married and have grandkids becomes greater and greater. It is an unspoken but tangible pressure that I feel especially when I am back in Taipei around my peers and my family. At 28, with a high school diploma from TAS, degree from Duke, five years of high tech and VC experience isn’t it high time for me to start down the path to career success and family?

So back to the question, “why med school?” Some ask out of genuine curiosity, others ask the question in a tone of disbelief as if they couldn’t believe why I would leave a profession like venture capital (which is btw on the rich Chinese parentally approved list of professions) for school. Still others say the words “med school” with a tone of mild disgust, remembering their much despised general chemistry course in college.

The answer unexpectedly has become harder to give now, after the first year of med school than before especially as I visit with my peers whom I haven’t seen in a few years and see the grass on the other side of the fence. I find myself answering defensively . . . sometimes starting with an “aaahhhhh” or “uuuummm” then giving a diplomatic answer like “well it is a good balance of helping people and having financial stability” or “I guess I figured out I was only good at studying so might as well make a career out of it”. These responses surprised me because they reflect upon my lack of confidence and conviction in my chosen profession. It reflects a weakness I do not want to admit to have.

THE ANSWER
So why did I attend med school? (And more importantly, why will I go back to Hanover this fall)
I think deciding and continuing to attend med school is a test for me. It is a test of my character, my will and my dedication to a cause greater than myself. It is my way of testing whether I can dedicate myself to helping others without regard to personal gain. It is a test of my discipline to subject myself to a degree of academic and emotional rigor that I have not known before. If I pass, I grow into a better version of myself. If I fail, I will go back into business armed with an MD.

I’m glad this is not a one year test . . .

Passed first year of med school!

Passed the Neuroscience final! Hooray! That means I’m finally done with the first year. And now to celebrate, I’ve got my pepper steak and dou miao for lunch with an ice cold green tea sitting in front of the TV watching the heat/mavs final. Ahhh, this is the life . . . if only I could do all of this at the beach . . .

Wu Qi

Yeh Yeh always made doing the right thing look easy. His face was stern, stoic, hard, shaped like the chinese character guo, for country, and he never seem troubled by choice, priority, values. Every decision in his life seemed very simple for him. Move the family to Taiwan to ensure their safety, bring the kids up, send them to college and let them fend for themselves, move back to China because as he said “people always want to return to their homeland”.
And yet, Yeh Yeh also had a soft heart. He had to spank my dad and his brothers for trampling my Grandmom’s roses, and then felt so bad about it that he gave them money to buy snacks afterwards. Toward his later years of his life after my grandmother fell sick, I always sensed that he felt conflicted between his own adventurous spirit, not being able to see more of China or travel to distant parts of the world and his duty to take care of my grandma. I think the decision to take care of my grandma was easy to make, but the pain and lonliness of caring for someone with chronic deteriorating mental condition like grandma must have been very difficult.

In the end, Yeh Yeh’s values were defined by many such difficult events in life. Events in which he had no choice, WWII, the Chinese civil war, my grandmother’s illness. Through it all, he always stayed true to his moral compass. He believed in sovereignty, self-determination, service, civil society, education for young people, family, responsibility, personal choice. This guided him through some very difficult choices and worthy accomplishments: leading anti-war demonstrations at his school and being expelled then graduating from Fudan at the top of his Chemistry class, inventing an ethanol based alternative fuel for the KMT tanks, building a school in Taiwan, raising a family and sending his sons to university and seeing them settle abroad in America.

On the fifth week of his death (wu qi), he is home now in Shanghai, sleeping in his bed. He is probably tired but knowing him, he will not sleep easy because Nai Nai is also sick and he must be worried. Even in death, Yeh Yeh never left anything for himself. He was always generous to those around him but selfish when it came to wearing new clothes, buying material things for himself or spending money on himself.

Yeh Yeh, welcome home, don’t worry about grandmom, we are trying our best to take care of her and ourselves, go well, we love you and miss you!